I gotta say, last night was impressive. I actually got to experience the TEXTBOOK wingman pick-up line. I don’t know how I’ve managed to miss out on the pick-upy goodness up to this point. But wow, this was some good stuff.
I was at a show with a girlfriend, and we are obviously engaged in a very deep and fascinating conversation (it was either debating what event defined our generation, September 11th or Kurt Cobain’s suicide, or discussing the merits of gay porn, I can’t remember which). But anyway, we both see these two dudes roll up to us. Now, my friend is thinking “Aaaawwwmaaan, incoming!” She is happily involved with someone, but since she is an awesome friend, she plays along. (I am single, she didn’t want to cock-block if I was into one of them)
Wingman opens the conversation with, “So we’re gonna try something.”
Us: Umm, ok.
Wingman: You guys dropped your name tags.
Us: Um, no, I don’t think so. *look at each other like, what?*
Wingman and Other Guy (OG), in tandem, reach into their pockets and pull out….”Sweet Thing” sugar alternative packets (poor man’s Sweet ‘n’ Low).
I bust out laughing. I believe my next comment was, “Which book gave you that opener?”
OG: Came up with it tonight at dinner.
Me: Well you’ve got our attention, now what?
Insert lame small talk here. I think I made some joke about how awful it was to have a last name of “Thing” growing up. Progress to:
OG: You know if you have an out of town license you can’t buy booze here.
Me: Huh?
OG: Yeah *Shows me California license*
Me: Ohhhh, no, it’s just people around here don’t like Californians.
About this point my friend says she’s gonna get us another round. On her way back, I give her the “Ok, get us outta this” eye. We take a couple sips, make a little more inane conversation and she turns to the band merch table and says, “Oooh loook!! They’ve got cassette tapes, NO WAY!” And with that, we are free!!
Ok Boys, here are some things I took away from this exchange:
1. Because of all the TV shows teaching guys to pick up chicks (ie. MTV’s The Pick Up Artist or the new stupid ass movie, “I Hope they Serve Beer Up your Ass you Complete Douchebag Tucker Max”) when you use a cheesy pick up line it is soooo obvious that you really don’t have much game. Which brings us to 2.
2. If you’re going to use a pick-up line, have some conversation to back up the opener
3. You might be a great guy, but you don’t have to directly interrupt an obviously perfectly entertaining conversation and replace it with your lame repertoire. It is NOT a shame that two gorgeous intelligent women are having a conversation that does not involve a man. Which leads me to 4.
4. Subtlety is a virtue. Most of the time, you’ll get a lot farther if you just happen to wander over and hang out near us, or maybe even ask if we have a cigarette. Or, hey! You guys know when the next band is coming on? I mean, jeez! You can play it a little coy. We don’t need to know that you want to be in us RIGHT off the bat. (Yes guys, thats is the message that lame pick-up lines send)
And anyway, I totally thought the wingman was cuter. Dang.
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