Woman, Women, and Perhaps some Game for the Ladies (although not much)

It’s Saturday morning (or at least it was when I started writing this post). During my lie-in I thought a bit about this new girl, among other things. She’s still in Australia until, I think, later today or this evening. (She said Saturday and I inquired no further.) My thoughts went something like this:

1: Psychologists have found that what they call “High Self-Monitors” are less fulfilled in their relationships, and their partners are often ignorant about their dissatisfaction,

“High self-monitors are social chameleons,” says Northwestern University researcher Michael E. Roloff. “And, because they’re quick to pick up on social cues, are socially adept and unlikely to say things upsetting to others, they are generally well-liked and sought after…

But there’s a downside for high self-monitors when it comes to their romantic relationships. “High self-monitors may appear to be the kind of people we want to have relationships with, but they themselves are less committed to and less happy in their relationships than low self-monitors”…

“The desire to alter one’s personality to appropriately fit a given situation or social climate prevents high self-monitors from presenting their true selves during intimate interactions with their romantic partners,” says Roloff. “High self-monitors are very likeable and successful people. However, it appears they’re just not deep.”

Their propensity to self-censor prompts them to avoid face-threatening interactions that more honest self-disclosures potentially provide. The result: the partners of high self-monitors may be completely in the dark about the extent of their high self-monitoring partner’s degree of commitment and regard.

Conversely, the researchers found that low self-monitors — people who are the least concerned with social appropriateness and are unlikely to mask their feelings or opinions to avoid confrontation or preserve their self-image — are more committed to and more satisfied with their relationships.

(Source stolen from a post of Paul’s which I don’t want to link in the interest of not having my post displayed in an annoying ping-back.)

My own experience corroborates this. This new girl, though, is quite obviously a low or moderate self-monitor. (As am I, as far as I can tell.) She certainly does not go out of her way to agree with people. (Within the boundaries of what’s socially apposite.) This, I suppose, is a good sign. Especially when I remember the last girl I was involved with who was a pathological social chameleon.

It is unfortunate that such empty people keep us so besotted:

There are women who have no inner life wherever one looks for it, being nothing but masks. That man is to be pitied who lets himself in with such ghostly, necessarily unsatisfying creatures; but just these women are able to stimulate man’s desire most intensely: he searches for their souls – and searches on and on.

– Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human, “Woman and Child”

Although I think this probably goes for men as well.

2 – A bit of Game which can be used by females: While this girl has been away, she has updated her Facebook status probably four times, each one being about how fun her vacation is. This is attractive. If she were saying some bullshit about how she misses everyone and wants to come home, that would not be attractive at all. What she’s doing now displays that she lives in her own self-sufficient world and doesn’t need to lean on anyone else for her satisfaction. This is sexy. Any girls who might be reading ought to create this perception in any guy they are interested in. (She’s not creating this perception deliberately, I’m pretty sure. But creating it deliberately would work well for women who aren’t naturally inclined this way.)

3 – Nature Not-So Red in Tooth and Claw: Often the way PUAs talk about women you’d think the lot of them (or at least the attractive ones) are complete peahens, coldly and callously evaluating, calculating, judging and eliminating like Simon Cowell. It is just not this bad. Moreover, a lot of their reserve comes not from feelings of your inferiority, but plainly because women are naturally more cautious than men. This, of course, is what the “comfort phase” is for; but this reasoning for the comfort phase isn’t explicated enough and I believe probably adds to the lack of confidence so many men battle with in their dealings with women.

Women – including hot women – aren’t necessarily not contacting you because you’ve not demonstrated enough Alpha. They too wonder if you like them and if they might be embarrassing themselves by conveying too much enthusiasm. They too wonder if you enjoyed the sex. They too, just like you, are only trying to get by and are only hoping to be approved of by others – including you.